Saturday, November 10, 2012

It Occurred To Me...

When I thought of a friend, I always see someone laughing his/her lungs out with me and my sarcastic comments. I see a person who would punch me in the gut and smile. I always see the same kind of person who listens to my craziness, gives his/her honest opinion and calls me crazy and stupid right in my face. 

Anyone who knows me would agree that I may be just describing another me. They may be right about that. But then again, they may be wrong. 

Aristotle once said, "What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies."

During the course of 2012, I've become much aware of where my other selves are. I found out, I have a few. Only a few. That disappointed me a little. Because I once welcomed the thought of seeing more than a dozen me. I questioned myself, where are the others? What happened? 

Flash back March 2012, in a heated argument between my husband and his mom, I vented out on my private twitter account which one of my SILs is a follower. My tweet was addressed to no one in particular and is more of a b!tch fit than anything else. She reacted. I reacted. She took my words real bad. I did not stop. She unfollowed. The hell I care, I wasn't even following her in the first place. I changed my profile settings to public. Go stalk!

Anyway, in the middle of my b!tching, one of these bodies where I thought my soul once landed, dodged the bullets, perhaps convinced the others that I have gone overboard and that I am a total nut, stopped communicating and all that. At first, I felt bad for myself. I asked why do I have to lose a part of me due to my uncontrolled mouth? I questioned my negativity and forced myself to positive vibes.

It didn't feel quite right though. 

A month went by and I thought it was back to normal. 

Then came April 2012. There was an event. A beautiful milestone of a couple. I was there to witness it. I was so happy, I started babbling non-sense. I do that when I wanna hide my happiness and excitement. Out of nowhere, I said something that caused a tick to the same body who dodged the bullet a month back, got pissed, commented over the table, fired back, I made another silly joke, rolled her eyes. 

I collected myself and said "That's it. That's not me. I do not belong in this kind of crowd."

That time, I could only count 2 me's. I was kind of brokenhearted in a way, because I have expected these people to understand what I was saying and read between the lines of my script. Apparently, they aren't that type. They are the type who'd rather have ME listen to their own lines and NOT to oppose it or do my ad libs. That is not my kind of show. 

A couple of silent months after, I regained my strength and felt another body with my soul still intact. I let her hear me, she listened, made fun of my assessments, laughed, called me crazy and expressed her own sentiments. Luckily, we are on the same page and even commented "Gosh that took you how long to figure that out?" I noticed I am irritated with the same language I'm fluent in--sarcasm. Kidding aside, I realized it's better this way. Two more different versions of you is good enough kick in the ass. Although I wasn't sure if they feel the same. But I am positive. Part of my soul drifted on their bodies and opted to stay. I can feel the connection. 

Writing this, I realized, there are other bodies who might throw spears at me. Yes, parts of me drifted a long time ago, I'd almost forgotten them. I got too excited of exploring other minds that I've almost omitted them. I'm glad that shook me. Otherwise, I may still be fooling myself of these bodies that never really wanna have my soul with them. I'm glad I was awakened. And I'm glad to know I may not have a dozen or two friends, at least I have few true ones who I can be the real me. 


Feli said...

I can feel that. I might be intimidated by your sarcasm, but deep inside it made me realize that not all you see are true and real. Others may laugh with you but the truth is, they're laughing AT you. I might be slow at times, quiet and "delayed" but that doesn't mean I don't know. That's just a part of me that I need to explore. I love you my friend because with you I can be the dumbest but not be judged. I can be a leader but I won't feel arrogant. Thank you for always reminding me, I am somebody.