Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Do I Want Another Man?

    I guess I wasn't really ready for a new guy to come around...I thought I was. I thought I was strong. I thought I wanted it to happen...

     Don't judge me yet. Please continue to read my story...

*image taken from google search
    Five years ago, I realized I was madly in love with this guy. He wasn't the exact man of my dreams, but, hey! This guy actually acts like my Dad. I know he'll take care of me. And he did so very well. Then came 2008, I fell in love with a young boy. When I first saw him, I told myself "He is definitely my new world. I'll do everything to make him happy".

  I am living my life now, satisfy with the thought that I have this strong feelings for two awesome men. I know that whatever happens, I have both of them. The first man continue to love me despite the fact that my time is no longer all for him. He learned to share it with the younger one and had treated him fairly. The second guy was different, though. He wants full attention. He needs every minute from me. I tried to talk to him everyday, even call him while I'm at work just to check if he's doing fine. If that wasn't enough, he'll ask for some gift every single day. And I, being this weak person when it comes to love, obeyed dutifully.

*image taken from google search

   Three years after, a wild dream came to my first man. Astonishingly, he said "I dreamed you loved a new boy. And I was happy. Very happy"

   Like a wild thunder in the sky, pictures of happy moments started flashing right before my eyes. And this time, the thought of adding another one in my life doesn't seem so fitting at all... I wasn't really that ready to have baby no.2, but my first man--hubby--was so happy with the thought that his dream felt so real, seeing an addition to my 2nd man--Tri. He said baby no.2 smiled at him and that he cradled him. He said he was the cutest angel he ever saw. But then, he continued "But he was born with asthma. But he's strong..."

   All these years hubby and I are together, we've seen Tri playing with a baby brother. We will call him Juaquin, deriving his name from my Dad. We want to have Juaquin as soon as Tri turns 5 or 7 (also as advised by my OB since I was on a high risk pregnancy sitch with Tri and had emergency CS). But, our current setup ate all my dreams.

*image taken from google search
   I'm not yet ready to get pregnant--physically, emotionally and financially. I want to have at least two of the three prepared before planning for Juaquin. I thought I was strong. I thought I can make my day dreams come to life. And I realized now, I was faking myself whenever my friends would tease me "Oooh, you're blooming. Preparing for another baby?" and I would reply "How I wish I am pregnant today!" But the truth is, I am scared.

   I am so scared to fail.

   I am such a hypocrite.

   Isn't it depressing when something or someone you really wanna have is just about an inch away from your finger tips? Then stupidly, you fell and can't keep yourself up to reach for it again? How heartbreaking...

   I guess, I can't really have all the men I want--and hubby agreed. He said I can't have all three of them. Not now. But someday, we will all be together--when all three of us are on the same wave length.

    For now, just seeing this photo makes me think: "No need to rush. Baby no.2 and Mommy will both be ready when the right time comes."

My first and second man--Hubby and Tri--with their greasy lips after eating pancit canton :)


I'm a full-time mummy said...

Awww.. when it is time, it is time. Sometimes planning or not planning, in the end it's all up to God. I pray that when you do get pregnant, it will be a safe and smooth pregnancy and delivery!

thirdy_smom said...

Hi jenny, was hard for me to admit that it was me chickening out. I didn't realize I am scared to get pregnant again. I was so scared to fail the way I failed with Tri...How I wish I'm as brave as you.

thanks so much for your comforting words. God Bless you.