Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Promise me...

I remember reading a quote from our community forum at work which says "the only constant thing in life is change". I really do not get this at first and I don't believe it--until I felt that everybody started leaving me behind.

Sure. I am not the best friend type. I don't get along with a lot of people. I don't hang out a lot. I have a boring, senseless, predictable life. But I know myself too well. I may be too "choosy" with my friends, but I know that I am good with my few chosen pals--very good, to be honest. I've even tried trading my motherhood with them. That's how good I am with them. It even came to a point that hubby had to let me choose between my friends and my life as a mother and wife. 

But I cannot. 
Because, my heart is torn in two. Half of it goes to my dearest pals and half of it warmly embraces my family. 

It was only today that things finally sink in. I was riding a bus on my way home. I had couple of flashbacks, as if I was watching a movie on a projector. Different faces appeared. I saw my childhood buddy, Carmel. She was the closest friend I got. We go to school together, we sit right next to each other at class, we walk home together. We even extend our days by helping each other out on our homework. We'll have dinner together. We even call each other before going to bed and gossip a little. This was a daily routine, a bond that made us inseparable. 

But the bond we had suddenly broke when we both entered college and met different people. She met her first boyfriend and I was left behind. I was left behind during the worst status of my teenage life. Just about the same time when my Dad passed away.

My college friends somehow managed to divert my attention (plus 3 part time jobs). But when I thought that the world could eat me and my family alive, I decided to change path, left school and focus myself working. During that time, I was so driven to earn, I've completely turned my back on my hometown.

Just about the same time my mother left us for another guy. 

I felt like I was the one abandoned.

That point didn't get me down. Why would I let that thought bother me? 

I worked even harder. Tried my best to be a mom, a wife and a provider. It is what I call was my peak. My boss liked me. I work harder. I would impress them. He would actually entrust my entire team to me. He would call me in the office, give me orders work related or not and will send his sincerest "thank you". we would hang out and talk about work and how things are going. We would gossip and laugh at unexpected things. He was so brotherly even my personal problems he tried to manage for me. 

Then, one day he sent a raging email addressed to no specific employee but is obviously pertaining to me. It was sent to everybody stating how he could no longer trust anyone and to stop using his work related accounts for useless deeds. From then, we never spoke like before. I felt the huge wall between us. Just about the same time my dearest Josh left the team It was devastating. It is also when the other half of our trio is too focused on her first BF. 

I had to face the next days alone. 

I've been here, right? I thought I've asked myself at least 10 times everyday. I know that I would get used to it. Everybody's leaving. That is normal. Everyone's got their own life to deal with. They have their own dreams to reach--which are by the way eating them alive today! 

So why am I too agitated? I really am not sure. Maybe because ALMOST everyone who's left me chose a life that is worse than the one they had when we were still getting along. They are having difficulty dealing with their jobs, with their personal and social life.
Is that the constant change the quote is talking about? I do not know. 

I just know one thing. When everybody's changing their paths, when I thought everyone has deserted me, when I thought I was left behind--one person hasn't change his position a bit. He's been  there standing behind me ready to catch me anytime I am ready to fall...

Now, it is my turn to be the one to watch your back and make sure you won't give up.

Just promise me...