Sunday, October 25, 2009

Nobody's Perfect

I came across this article from about the hands on Dads. One article struck me like a cold spear piercing my chest. Just want to share the article:

My partner criticises everything I do with our new baby. I feel fed up and useless. How can I get her to back off a little?

Written for BabyCentre UK

Christine Northam answers:

It sounds as if you really want to be involved with your new baby -- I wonder if your partner understands that you want to help? Maybe you could tell her that you'd appreciate some positive guidance when it comes to dealing with the baby, because it appears that you're not getting it right and you're feeling a bit demoralised. This may surprise her and give her an opportunity to recognise what's happening.

When we're learning a new job (which is what happens when we become parents) we need support to become confident with our new responsibilities. Having a baby is a lot more than just having a new job though, because it involves our emotional life, too. In this respect it can be even more demanding.

Both of you are going through a period of major adjustment -- sometimes new mothers feel so overwhelmed that they become negative and tearful (the so-called baby blues). She may be treating you in this way because she is feeling uncertain about her own mothering capabilities and needs reassurance herself. She might not yet have the confidence to help you learn. Meanwhile, you may be feeling vulnerable as you adjust to this huge change in your life and could be more sensitive to criticism than is normal for you.

Hang on to your confidence and to your love for your partner and baby. Use your feelings as a cue to talk with her and find ways to work together to make this a good experience for you all. If you really think this is not going to happen, counselling can help.

Ok, ok. I admit it. I am guilty of this one. Big time.

We, mothers, tend to be perfectionists. (well, aside from the fact that I might have inherited my Dad's perfectionist view). If it is for my son, I want it to be in proper order, systematic, on time, the right amount, squeaky clean, organized and accordingly.

Call it OC, I know.

Since me and hubby have both decided I'll keep my job and he'll be left at home with Tri as a "house-band", I know that I have to hand him down all the responsibilities and rights of being a mother. i told him that it's just okay with me and that things will run smoothly. I was wrong. I lied when I said it is ok. It was never ok for me to leave my baby alone with him. Considering the fact that he is a first time Dad and we opted not to ask assistance from our relatives (unless the situation calls for a BIG help). At work, I'll text him a maximum of a hundred text a day to make sure that everything is in order. He'll answer YES, only for me to find out from his relative that he bathe Tri with tap water (without putting on baby oil) or Tri bumped his head on the wall or that he did not feed him with cerelac blah, blah, blah.

Did I say I want things in order?

And we all know that working, commuting an hour and a half everyday, mothering and being a wife is too much to handle when done all at the same time. Knowing that my son may be in danger when I'm at work because he is not doing what I want him to do makes my blood pressure go up to the max! I have started a countless arguments about his way of parenting, how dissatisfied I am and how I wanted our son to grow up much different from how he was raised.

Yes. I am mean...and harsh. I didn't realize how painful it is for him to swallow his pride and let me be "the man" of the house, let him be my shock absorber when I am too stressed from work and let him do all the unmanly chores and be the center of his colleagues' jokes. I wasn't thinking about that. I was too busy thinking of being a good mother, bringing home just enough money to make my family survive. I was too busy nagging him to be a perfect father to our son and shaping him to be a good man so his family members would think he picked just 'the right girl", because I've made him like that.

It is only today, just today, I felt his pain. And after reading the article from babycenter, I wanna rush home to feel his warm embrace.

Hope this serves as a lesson to anyone reading this blog that nothing in this world is perfect, so we don't have to force ourselves to do the right things.